Defensive

This was an incomplete idea I wrote two years ago. Not much has changed since really, I still worry a lot about being wrong to the point I can come in the way of my own progress. What I do have is a couple of stories. 

One time I was having a discussion with one of my friends. We were on completely opposing sides in this one. He said I never understood him, and that I should cut him some slack, and I, in my ignorance, said he doesn't try hard enough. He got rightfully upset at me, and as an apology I wrote him an essay called "First born || Middle Child". Because just saying sorry is never enough to show someone you care. I think not too far after that I became careful with discussions. I preferred not to voice my opinions because I was worried that I could be rude.

Not too long after that, I got into a heated argument with a friend because I was telling him how I struggled to talk with my boss at the time and he said not to worry. I took it too personally and just shouted at him and I think I insulted him too. After cooling off I quickly apologised for losing my temper and I think I still do apologise every time I remember the incident.

Neither of these stories relate to one another, and neither of them really speak on why I'm scared of being judged, but they always come to mind when I find someone being defensive whenever you tell them they're wrong about something. Now, I have long since stopped outright saying something is wrong or right unless it's to someone I'm close to or trust like family since I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. However, it just sucks when someone argues because they don't want to be wrong. I hate arguments. I despise them and the needless stress they induce. Nothing is worth arguing about, and usually arguments can either be solved and de-escalated or just not exist all together. 

We love ourselves, and we hate change. Especially so when it comes to right and wrong. So arguments are defense. And what a shitty defense they are. Just like 2 years ago, this idea is also undeveloped and a tangly mess. But if there's one thing you should walk out of this with, it's.. Idk. Just listen when someone is having a different opinion. Try to find a middle ground and don't paralyze someone. I look back a lot and I wish I haven't paralysed someone when I could have given them room to breathe. But also, I remember other times were people were unjustifiably defending a position that wasn't worth it. Change sucks, and I'll write about it later.