And Then You Grew Up

 I don’t know if this is something relatable or not. But back in 8th grade, after having changed schools for the 4th time in 3 years I remember being given an assignment by my English teacher. In it, we basically had to write a thing that best describes us. I ended up drawing a staircase showing how far I’ve gone in life and the major shifts I had experienced throughout it. I think around step 11, I drew a crappy stickman trying to run back down the stairs with a speech bubble that said “I wanna go back”.. Mind you I was no older than 13 at the time. A buncha years later, my 15 year old self ruminated on how far I progressed, and how I wish I still had that charm.

This pattern of remembering the past and wishing I was who I once used to be lasted till I was 17. After which, at some point I turned from liking who I was in the past to thanking god the past few years have passed, because I believed I was the crappiest organism to walk the earth.

 I’m 20 now, and I don’t long for the past as much. Mostly because I’m too busy thinking about how I can work out the present so I can have a future and also because I’m content with where I am now. (I still have a long way to go)

We as a human species tend to romanticise a lot about the past; and if I were a good writer, I would pull up a research paper that confirms my claim. I’m not a good writer, so you’re gonna have to take my word for it.. That or actually dispute my claim. That would make for an interesting conversation.

When I used to think about my past a lot, I only focused on my achievements and how much I’ve done or how amazing I felt at the time. Completely ignoring the other side of the story. What prompted my achievements? What was my environment like? What was the reason I pushed so much at that specific time period more than any other? 

During year 9, My homeroom Teacher, Ms Thillini, saw potential in me and came forward to me with a proposal that I do not regret accepting to this day. I remember her clearly pulling me out of class, and inviting me to enroll in what would be my first ever MUN event. I reluctantly accepted the idea at the time. And surprisingly, my first MUN went.. Completely shit.

It was the worst event of my life. I felt alienated the entire time. Came back home feeling unaccomplished, unworthy and lonely. I even cried a lot while it was going on. But then a few attempts later, I would go on to reach my brightest year.

Second place in a debate competition, an honourable mention and my greatest achievement -- Youngest Best Delegate in school, in an MUN event held in a University.. 

For a school student, I felt like I hit the big leagues.

During my “brightest” year, I was given encouragement and support to grow. My dreams were clearly drawn, making it easy to go for them. My greatest achievement was literally something I had promised my teacher I would achieve. I wasn’t completely self driven, I didn’t have a clear goal off my own accord. I just happened to have people to guide me, as well as constant encouragement. However, it wasn’t all sunshine. 

In that same “bright” year, I was struggling with my studies as it was my first time trying online classes. I remember missing so many assignments and failing lots of mock tests because I simply could not keep up with stuff.  So it’s safe to say, “my year” just happened to be a year where I got some achievements in my areas of interest at the time. A couple moments among thousands of hours of a rather normal life.

The first year after my highlight passed, I felt completely shutdown. Miss Thillini had left the school, and a new classmate showed up. He quickly took the spotlight.

When you no longer have a direct goal or a reason to push. You slow down. 

So I did, and it upset me that I did. I longed for my past and dreamt of it. Then years passed – slowly at first given my complete lack of motivation. Until a new person showed up, and they showed me that I have potential in writing, and here we are. 

We don’t always discover our true potential on our own. Sometimes people discover us.

Miss Thilini discovered and enriched my passion for public speaking, and if it weren’t for her I might have never tried an MUN event. A doctor goes to another doctor to diagnose himself and you might not invest a lot of time in your hobbies or reach the stars with them until someone goes “Hey! You should do this more often, it’s awesome!”.

Likewise you try stuff in life with different people and sometimes you meet someone that unlocks a hidden feature inside you. Kinda like how a gun is just a piece of metal until the safety trigger is off. Then you start blasting. 

To all my silly goobers out there. Your moments will come and go, and you’re not responsible for when they happen. You can only make use of them when they do show up. Not shining as you once did doesn’t mean you’ve lost your shine. It means it’s been a long while since your last rehearsal and spotlight. Be confident and don’t equate your dry spells and dull moments with your self worth. Not every step is a banger, and not all environments require bangers. For god’s sake put the gun down when in a library.

  

Above all else, I should have started with this. Trust in god, and only in god. He planted that potential in you and he was the one who threw the keys at your face. Sometimes you discover things on your own, because he guided you to. Sometimes you are discovered, because he destined it to be.