My Castle Town

"My Castle Town" is a soundtrack for a game called "Deltarune". Which is a game about a kid called Kris who navigates between two worlds; The Light world and the dark world. I know next to nothing about the game. I only played the first chapter. There's like 3 other chapters out and I haven't touched them. "My Castle Town" is found in chapter 2 and exists in every chapter after that. That is all I know about it.

I don't remember when the track dug it's roots into my favourites, but I know why it did. Whenever I listened to it, I felt a sense of coziness and belonging. To me, the song said "I'm home; I'm safe". Why exactly that is, I'm not sure myself. But that was the feeling I got from it. Maybe, it had to do with feeling like I never belonged for the better part of my 5 - 6ish years abroad? A contrast to what the song offered. I think it just reflected my desire for a calm atmosphere. One of safety. The one where an old man sits behind a desk; his office only lit by the dancing fire at his fireplace in a cold, snowy winter night. This was the atmosphere I reflected when I wrote "Your Castle Town" (VERY creative name.. no surprise there)

"Your Castle Town" is a letter I don't remember the specifics of. I don't even know where that danged thing is anymore. But I remember very well the feelings I had as I wrote the letter. The part I was playing as I carefully placed my words. In it, I was the old man inviting my reader to the safety of my warm office. 

Was the letter any good? I don't know. Sometimes the things I wrote when I was younger did deliver the warmth I looked for. But that was the warmth I needed, not anyone else. That and warmth requires empathy, I think. What we need and how we reflect it in our actions doesn't necessarily translate to providing what others need. It also doesn't mean whoever is on the other side of the interaction is getting what they need.

Producing art and, by proxy, writing reflects our emotions. I think most of the time it does. Which is why trying to write has been tough for a while. I tried to write 3 different stories and I was cut short because the emotion I reflected was anxiety. In fact, the feeling was so overpowering while I was writing, it transcended being an emotion I silently felt and became a throbbing drum in my heart. I was no longer writing a scene, I was facing it.

This isn't the only issue. Imagine trying to write something you're not feeling. Something you want to portray but don't have. Something you wish for. You can try to imagine what it looks like or imitate it, but it's not going to feel like the real thing. Maybe the reason the warm and fuzzy things I wrote feel warm and fuzzy was because, in that moment, I truly felt secure. As opposed to other earlier writings, in which I tried to emulate a voice of joy I didn't have. The jokes fell flat and the story felt dull. Above all else, the writing was miserable to read. Like watching a man laugh while bleeding to death.

This is the case with trying to be upbeat. We try to be happy, and we want to be happy. Negative emotions are powerful and they can help us produce good pieces of work. But that doesn't mean we want to feel that way. At least, I don't want to. Writing helps air it out, think it through and maybe draw a nice looking tree out of it. But it doesn't necessarily mean I wanted this tree to be painted in my blood.

How you feel about yourself, and how you speak about yourself. Those too are a reflection of how others might come to treat you or behave around you. Your feelings bleed all over those around you. It's why sometimes when I'm sad, I don't want to be around anyone. At some point, telling your friends you woke up to a looping nightmare of the same incident for the millionth time feels like a one way ticket to losing whatever love they have left for you. Is it the right thing to do? Is it any good? I don't know. I'm doing it as we speak while listening to Waterfall. Which, in case you're curious, feels like a mixture of nostalgia and tragedy.

Empathy is hard. I don't think I do it very well, if at all. Because it requires me to observe someone and not reflect my own emotions, judgement or solutions. Don't spit on your silver plate, an essay I wrote and really dislike, is a picture of exactly how heartless I can be. If it weren't for Ali, the essay would have been nothing but an aggressive insensitive crash-out. Which, for the most part, I still feel it is. (Speaking of Empathy, Ali wrote a whole thing about it, which you can find right here)

The mirroring will never end. It's everywhere. Just need the right eyes to see it. And maybe, just maybe, for once be able to work with it in a way that matters. 

Does "Your Castle Town" have Empathy? Did it give what was needed? I don't know. All I know is I tried. And, to correct my closing remarks in it, I gave a piece of me to a world that deserved.

 -Salman