Endless Floatation

If you haven't already, you should watch CGP Grey's "You're Probably Doing All 7". For some reason, I misremembered its' title with another. I used to think it was called "A guide to being miserable". Because, well, that's what the video talks about. (Apparently the title was changed)

I want to say that I think about this video every time I'm in a rut. But whether or not that's true, I'm not sure. What I am sure of is, I've been thinking about this video a lot. 

I like to be happy. Who doesn't? Happiness is easy, it feels great. It doesn't harm your body in any way(as far as I can tell) 

It turns out being happy becomes slightly difficult when you do everything to be miserable. I'm not saying that I am, I'm far from it. But I would be lying if I were to say that I'm not escaping. I'm running away from my problems and coming up with lame excuses, or none at all, to protect myself.

And every time I say "I have no excuses" or "I really gotta get my shit together" I remember that video. 

I remember how it says that I need to:

1)Stay Still.

Stay out of all light. A dark dim room. My bedroom. I lie there for hours. Rotting like a pile of forgotten clothes. Surrounded by fresh laundry I was supposed to fold many moons ago. The darkness encourages laziness. Or at least I think it does. 

Then there's 

2) Messing with your sleep schedule 

I have screwed with my sleep. Days turn into nights into days. All mushed together into this grey and soulless band. With poor sleep come mornings where I wake up grungy. Grunginess means no appetite. No appetite means no eating. No eating means low energy. Low energy means sleep and before you know it I have nothing else to do but sleep and remember all the responsibilities I'm throwing away.

I will not do anything. Not a single increment towards the things I need to do. I'll only feel miserable for not doing them. I'll think and think and think. But I'll lay still and divert my attention to anything but the things I should be doing.

Eventually, the consequences catch up to me. So does the guilt. Again, encouraging the same cycle. The cheapest out is to be miserable. Just keep floating. Waiting for an end. 

I have tasks I need to finish.

I would describe the past few days is hindrances. I do progress. Although the rate leaves much to be desired. Wallowing in self pity will not improve my situation. I know it. 

So I got up, cleaned up my bedroom. Opened up the curtains. Changed the bedsheets. Took a third shower. Put the cloth pile in the bathroom. And I breathed. Things looked better. 

One room led to another and before I knew it. The system that I liked was restored. Now that I was organised again, I can definitely get back to w-

I'm hungry. Go to the kitchen. The kitchen sucks. I hate the kitchen. You cook things and then your roommate winces because of a pet peeve of his. Great. So now there's leftovers. Food is better with people. Sitting alone in the kitchen isn't appetising. Having to do someone else's dishes isn't appetising. Seeing incomplete tasks isn't appetising.

Ok. Skip lunch then. Who needs food anyways. I'm not hungry. Wait. Why did I even get in- god I gotta clean this mess.

So I grab a plastic bag. Throw the trash. Clean. Organise. Dispose. Rinse. Repeat. 

Be disappointed. I used to do this so much better. "Why are you doing it so poorly now?" (Because you aren't sleeping well)

Ok. Done. House is clean. It looks better. 

I got some veggies. Sautee them. Easy food, and I love Sautee. 

I eat alone again. The food is abundant, company isn't. 

I have tasks I need to finish.

Ok. Call my friends, have them come over. Company will help.

Company didn't help. The tasks are not done.

My assignment is not done.

My scripts are not done.

It's late. My sleep schedule is still screwed.

Try again tomorrow?

Just this on repeat. 

Try make food again. Need to go grocery shopping. Hungry. What do I cook? I feel uninspired. Fuck it Take out.

"You're being financially irresponsible"

I know that. 

"They were right about you"

"Thank god they're no longer in your life to see this"

Shame. Lots of it. Drown in it.

And to what end.

I have tasks I need to finish.

Comparison is the thief of joy. So I don't compare. I just know. I know myself enough. I know what I used to be. I know how I got here. I know how to get out. Yet, I'm too tired. 

This again, huh?

I don't like this. I don't like being negative. I don't like wording it out, especially since I can solve it. I have to solve it. I'm privileged enough to be still alive with all this time I threw away. I'm not even sad.

Just tired. Home doesn't feel like home. It feels awful. Dead, cold and annoying.

Home is a hindrance. 

I hate this. I hate this state. I hate this endless floatation. I can either drown or swim to the shore. This state of inbetweenness sucks dirt. So.

 Which will it be?

..

..

Which will it be?

I think I'll rewatch the video and try again.